This page will be where I post my favorite quotes, in two categories:  philosophical and funny.  The philosophical quotes are ones that I like to really think about and live by as best I can.  The funny quotes are mostly ones that were said by people I know, which were very funny in context (where necessary, I've tried to set up the context as best I could).  I will update both of these lists as I come across more good quotes, or if I think of more on my own.  Also, feel free to send me your favorite quotes, and I'll post them here as well.  Enjoy!

PHILOSOPHICAL

"What is now proved was once imagined." - William Blake

"Do whatever you do intensely." - Robert Henri

"If you're going through hell, keep going." - Winston Churchill

"You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try." - Beverly Sills

"The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our disposition and not our circumstances." - Martha Washington

"Don't underestimate the power of emotion to undermine logic"  - Author Unknown

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt

"The only thing a college degree guarantees you is a college degree." - Joe L

"Don't ever forget where you come from." - Mum

"After the rain comes the sun." - Lost Witness

"It's good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it's good, too, to check up once in a while and make sure you haven't lost the things that money can't buy." - George Horace Latimer

"Money does not change men, it only unmasks them." - Mme. Riccoboni

"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." - unknown

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." - Will Rogers [contributed by diznefreak]

"When all your wishes are granted, many of your dreams will be destroyed." - Marilyn Manson [contributed by Dan]

"Measure success in smiles rather than dollars." - me

"A real leader faces the music, even when he doesn't like the tune." - Anon.

"The best way to escape from a problem is to solve it." - Alan Saporta

"Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance." - unknown [contributed by f.o.d.'s]

"Anger is one letter away from danger." - Eleanor Roosevelt

"If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today." - Rotarian

"A pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty." - Winston Churchill

"I'm glad I'm not a mailman today." - me

"Your future hasn't been written yet.  No one's has.  Your future is whatever you make it.  So make it a good one." - Back To The Future Part III

"Life moves pretty fast.  If you don't stop and look around once in a
while, you could miss it." - Ferris Bueller's Day Off [contributed by Matt]

"Wise men talk because they have something to say, fools because they
have to say something." - Plato [contributed by Matt]

"This is it, don't get scared now." - Home Alone

"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." - When Harry Met Sally [contributed by Yvette]

"We have names for people who have many beliefs for which there is no rational justification.  When their beliefs are extremely common we call them “religious”; otherwise, they are likely to be called “mad,” “psychotic," or “delusional.”……Jesus Christ---who, as it turns out, was born of a virgin, cheated death, and rose bodily into the heavens---can now be eaten in the form of a cracker.  A few Latin words spoken over your favorite Burgundy, and you can drink his blood as well.  Is there any doubt that a lone subscriber to these beliefs would be considered mad?" - Sam Harris

"People who harbor strong convictions without evidence belong at the margins of our societies, not in our halls of power." - Sam Harris

"Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence." - Carl Sagan

"Believing in God is just like believing Santa Claus. He is not there. The belief is just to cover up something. In God's case, it is to cover up the fear of death." - William Richtmyer

"We are all atheists about most of the gods that societies have ever believed in. Some of us just go one god further." - Richard Dawkins

"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?  Then he is not omnipotent.

 Is he able, but not willing?  Then he is malevolent.

 Is he both able and willing?  Then whence cometh evil?

 Is he neither able nor willing?  Then why call him God?" - Epicurus

"A person who is determined to do something constructive with his life needs to come to terms with the fact that not everyone is going to love him." - Daniel Barenboim

"The religious treat this life - the one, brief life we know we have - as a disposable item, of secondary importance to the serious business of a totally unproven and exceedingly unlikely afterlife." - Paula Kirby

"For millenia humans have created mythical answers to "mysteries" such as thunder and fertility, but the more we learn, the fewer gods we need.  God belief is just answering a mystery with a mystery, and therefore answers nothing." - Dan Barker

"If this is the best God can do I am not impressed." - George Carlin

FUNNY

[after adopting a cat, and already having a dog]

"Next we'll have a f***in' elephant." - Dad

[angry about the bowling league's theme being Terrorists & Criminals for picking team names, which started right after 9/11] 

"How about this for a team name: '5000 dead ha ha ha ' " - Scott

[regarding Jesse's bathroom habits]

"He gets to the bottom of the stairs and says, 'Uh oh, I gotta sh*t'" - Dad

[trying to let Lisa know in the least scariest way possible about a mouse in the house]

"Jason had a visitor last night....a little pepino." – Mum

Christian – "Teddy, what happened to your nose?"

Teddy – "I got scratched."

Christian – "By what, a bear?"

[getting tired of the local lowlife coming into the pizza place every day and selling stolen merchandise] 

Coolie - "Every day you come in and you put the stuff on the table, and every day we tell you we don’t want it.  Get the f*ck outta here."

Joe T – "Aww but Coolie…"

Coolie – "The f*ck outta here!"

[regarding a young promiscuous-looking woman who changed her last name while only being engaged]

"She's doin' that so she makes sure she don't wh*re out." - Danny

[on Mike's threat to come to Boston and kick my ass]

"Oh please, you can't even leave your computer without permission." - me

[Mike talking about an upcoming outing with his mother]

"Then on Sunday, I'm going with my mom to see an old school friend of hers that she hasn't seen for 30 years...I hope they have a dog" - Mike M

[Mike being a smartass with his unnecessary zip file passwords]

Mike M - "For zip files, what do I put for the password?"

me - "How 'bout no password?"

Mike M - " 'no password' it is."

[Mike analyzes a Charles Dickens' classic]

Mike M - "That's wrong...she marries Bounderby to please her brother....the only person she loves completely is her brother Tom."

me - "Ah, like incest love?"

Mike M - "NO YOU SICK BASTARD!"

Mike M - "That's NOT what he meant by 'Hard Times'!"

[after having numerous things go wrong at a restaurant]

"Are we on Candid Camera or something?" - Anthony

[after being told he doesn't socialize with his fellow bowlers - especially funny since the bowling league was completely noncompetitive]

"I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to win a championship." - Mike B

[talking about a date I went on]

"I think she got mad 'cuz we went to the Wrentham outlets and the only thing I bought was a chip bowl that plays the Macarena." - me

[after scratching yet another losing scratch ticket]

"Just like Mayor Menino, a f*ckin' loser." - Dad

[to our dog Kandi the night before she was put to sleep]

"Ok, that's your last meal." - Dad

[after sharing files between each other, Wicked` mistakenly pastes a crack code meant for someone else into our chat]

"Some piracy going on tonight!" - Wicked`

[on our friend's claim that he had ADD]

"So what's that mean? His brain is a different color on a cat scan?" - Anthony

"Park it yourself, Metallica breath." - Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead

"If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink." - unknown

[after learning about the death of newborn twins conjoined at the head]

"I feel sorry for it.  Poor thing never heard music." - Mike M

[a smartass from high school during one of the teacher's misdemeanor mark rampages]

Mr. Loconte - "OK, who's next?!!"

Alex Geogehan - "Me sir."

Mr. Loconte - "What's that?"

Alex Geogehan - "Can I be next?"

Mr. Loconte - "Very well Geogehan, ONE MARK!!!"

"Vanessa Carlton is cute.  I hope my wife or at least a girlfriend looks like her." - me

"This job would be great if it wasn't for the f***in' customers." - Clerks

[upon seeing a guy dressed as a clown walking very fast, holding a child by the hand]

"What the f*ck's he doing with the child?" - Joe L

"We'll be back faster than Pete Rose can place a bet." - Arsenio Hall

Kim - "I can make a tense situation funny."

me - "Like when that guy sh*t out his brains?"

Kim - "You are an ass."

Kim - "No pun intended."

"All you care about is yourself and titties." - Dan

me - "Are these lyrics better than the new ones?" 
Mike - "I like it better."
Mike - "'in the end your not for me'"
Mike - "I like it."
me - "What did she say in the new ones?" 
Mike - "Who cares."

[my concern about delivering mail to a certain address when I was a mailman]

me - "How do I deliver to a funeral home?  I don't wanna interrupt a funeral or anything."

John - "Just go up and put it in the casket!"

[regarding the pathetic Stone Zoo in Stoneham, MA]

"The big koala exhibit is ridiculous:  it's one koala behind glass, and he was sleeping in a fake tree.  It's a very sad zoo.  You walk up to something that says Wolf, and you look and there's no wolf, just trees." - me

[as I took a one minute break from work to eat a Pop Tart]

"Oh you have time to eat?  Then you're not doing your job." - Steve

[after telling Mike I loaded all my music onto my 20GB mp3 player]

"And what are you gonna do with the other 19.4 GB?" - Mike M

[while getting rid of a new side dish my mother made that nobody liked]

"This would be good for the Fear Factor." - Dad

[watching the symbolic tea ceremony from The Karate Kid Part II with my then-girlfriend]

me - "Hey we didn't have a tea ceremony."

Amanda - "Nope, we had dinner at Uno's."

Amanda - "So guess who I'm seeing this weekend."

me - "Kenny Rogers?"

Amanda - "No, but Willie Nelson will be there on Sunday."

me - "Didn't he do a song with P. Diddy?"

Amanda - "No, Toby Keith!"

[after my ex admitted and then later denied making out with two guys on the day we broke up]

"Whether you really whored out will remain a mystery." - me

[after reading a story about someone being paralyzed]

"That's sad, knowing you'll never walk again.  I think I'd just go stand in the middle of 93." - me

"You don't want me on your team?  You think I'm suck?" - Mohammed

[talking about one of the ESPN reporters]

"That's more than a lazy eye, it's like a welfare eye." - me

[my father being frustrated with Jesse]

"I'm gonna get him with a f*ckin' bow and arrow." - Dad

[not knowing what the teacher-student boundary was]

me - "I saw someone from my class at the club, but I didn't say anything."

Mum - "Why not?"

me - "I didn't know if that would be weird."

Mum - "You're weird."

[in work, purposely talking really loud]

"Hey, why can't I get into porn.com?" - Kevin

[an encounter with a very eager waitress at Pizzeria Uno]

Waitress - "So can I wrap that up for you?"

Marius - "Well I was gonna have one more slice."

me - "I gotta start hanging out at John's desk."

Kevin - "Why?"

me - "So I can slime my way into that girl's life."

[trying to figure out what Yvette likes about sex]

"The mammalianism....is that even a word?" - me

me - "So what does this dance teacher say about tardiness?"

Yvette - "Oh he doesn't care."

me - "So we can waltz in whenever we want?"

me - "Where's my CD?"

Yvette - I have it, I'll give it to you when I see you.  Where the f*ck do you think it is *sshole?!

me - "You're so abusive, physically AND verbally."

Yvette - [hits Jason on the arm] "Shut up, bitch."

[a girl me and Lisa grew up with was nicknamed "the Grimace", unbeknownst to Paul, Lisa's husband]

Lisa - "This was the Grimace's song."

Paul - "What the f*ck's grimace?"

[during one of our practical jokes, Joe steps out of character for a second, with Dave trying to maintain the role of a hard ass]

Joe - "Lisa, do you want a rose?"

Lisa - "Yea."

Joe - "Dave, buy her a rose."

Dave - "Get the f*ck outta here."

[when my father was only 68]

"Your father's like 70-something years old." - Yvette

"I wish they wouldn't use our printer to make copies.  Things are different now.  It's like if you've always used an abandoned house's bathroom, and then all of a sudden people move into that house.  You don't keep going to the bathroom there." - me

"He walks like a zombie.  He looks like someone stole his soul or something." - Kevin

[my father getting sick of Christmas music]

Dad - "Can I shut this music off?"

Mum - "No!!  It's f*ckin' Christmas!!!"

me - "I should get you TiVo for Christmas."

Dad - [throws a couple punches into the air] "Is that what that black guy does?"

me - "No that's Tae Bo!"

[Yvette seeing me chatting online with a kid who had his girlfriend as his buddy icon]

"You're chatting with a 12-year-old girl??!!" - Yvette

[my coach speaks to our team during a Small Fry League basketball game - we were all about 12 years old]

"We're playing defense like my dirty ass." - Matty's father

[my father talking about life after death]

"If I can come back I wanna come back as an invisible man, an invisible man that can fire a f*ckin' gun." - Dad

[John Paul trying to break an awkward silence during a Saturday night at the bar]

John Paul (Giovanni) - "So Anthony how did the Dow do today?"

Anthony - "The market was closed today.  It's Saturday."

[more awkward silence]

[one of the harshest things a tax judge has ever told someone]

"Death may be an avenue of escape from many of the woes of life, but it is no escape from taxes.” – Estate of Kahr v. Commissioner (1969)

"Do you think if the world started over again there’d be a such thing as Halloween?" - me

"Her hair looked like Hurricane Gloria." - Tony

"Abraham Lincoln once said that 'If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North,' and these are the principles I carry with me in the workplace. - 'The Office'

Lisa - "I listened to Jam'N in the shower last night."

me - "Oh the radio works?"

Lisa - "Yea, I bought batteries for it."

me - "I told Yvette you'd like it."

Lisa - "I do.  It's fun to take showers."

[on my decision to leave a party]

"I'm not hungry, I don't drink, and I've talked to everyone I'm gonna talk to, so now is a good time for me to leave." - me

"I can't believe it's already October. Next thing I know, I'll be dead..." - me

"There's an airline called NWA?  It must take off from Bangkok." - Dad

[Trying to help out a clueless waiter in a Thai restaurant, John Paul gets creative]

"Is it like a ping sauce?" - John Paul (Giovanni)

[Yvette getting frustrated with me at Ellis Island]

"First of all, bastard..." - Yvette

[during the 2007 ALCS between the Red Sox and Indians]

Professor - "House isn't on tonight."

Student - "No?"

Professor - "No, there's some baseball game, some playoff thing on instead."

[after watching the movie Bug - if you see the movie you will understand why this was funny]

Yvette - "Why do you make me watch these movies?"

me - "They said it was good."

Yvette - "Who said?"

me - "The people."

[after a jeweler denied working on Yvette’s jewelry because it wasn’t real gold]

“This is a high-profile operation.  They don’t wanna be working on any Strawberry Shortcake jewelry.” - me

Mum - "Merry Christmas!"

Dad - "Yea, tell that to the Jews and the Palestines."

Mum - "Don't start with me today."

[after noticing a religious relic hanging on Yvette's wall]

me - "Why is there a bird on the cross?"

Yvette - "It's the Holy Spirit!"

[talking about which female celebrities we thought were hot]

me - "What do you think of Jewel?"

Joe - "She looked good at like two in the morning."

[imitating Maury Povich to my then-girlfriend]

"Amanda, you ARE the father." - me

[while watching the commercial for Cash4Gold.com]

"That's kinda shady...like you just send it?" - Yvette

"Do you smell something burning?  I think I overcooked it." - Yvette

[Yvette opens the oven door to find the pan engulfed in flames]

Darren - "Didn't you ever see '20,000 Leagues Under The Sea'?

me - "No but I saw '200 Cigarettes'."

[Tim talking about his boss]

"He reminds me of my father, the f*ckin bastard.  I will not relive my childhood at work!" - Tim